Every strong relationship is going to have arguments from time to time. Some say it is even healthy to argue from time to time. That’s ok and that is not the issue. The issue is whether you can have arguments that are constructive, handled respectfully and that each partner fights fair.
Now, I know that may seem counterproductive, but having rules for when you fight is a great guideline to ensure that feelings are not hurt and that the fighting is not taken to far.
Some of the rules that the couples I work with have come up with are:
- Be respectful of one another’s feelings. No mocking.
- No name calling
- Stick to the topic and do not bring in added drama or built-up resentment from the past
- Take a break and come back if you need to, but you can’t use the silent treatment
- Don’t criticize and insult
- Listen to what is being said and don’t be defensive
- Always end on a positive note – hug it out
Here’s how those rules break down.
You don’t want to mock your partner. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t make fun of them in public. Show them the respect that you would want returned to you. You don’t want to start off with “oh here she goes again or great here is starting up with his bullshit”. We do not want to dismiss your partner’s emotional needs. You want to replace the mocking with appreciation. You want to appreciate everything that your partner does no matter how big or how small or that is there job or that is what they are supposed to do”. Focusing on the positive verses, the hate immediately takes the argument down a level.
I hear couples say all the time why I should be appreciative, that is what they are supposed to do. That is their role. They are supposed to take care of the kids or pay the bills. They are supposed to cook dinner or do the laundry. Yes, they are supposed to do it, but they make the choice whether they do the specific tasks. They do not have to do anything. They are choosing to, so saying thank you and being appreciative goes a long way. When you don’t get appreciation for the bare minimum, what incentive do you have to do anything more and reach maximum levels? There is no drive to want to do more. Make sure to say thank you and show appreciation no matter how little the task may seem.
Absolutely no name calling at any time. He may be acting like an asshole, but it does not give you the right to call him one. Name calling will take the focus away from the argument and become personal and resentment can be built up. Keep the fight as civil as possible without trying to tear down the other person.
Stick to the topic at hand. Whatever you do, do not bring up a fight from 1985 where no one remembers the details or topic. There is no reason or time to continue wasting any energy or effort on something that has no bearing on the current topic or will be solved if brought up again and again. You want to stick to the facts of this specific fight and now bring in two or three other topics for argument when this topic still has not been discussed or resolved. Take time to breathe and catch your thoughts. It is ok to tell your partner “I need 10 minutes” and go in the other room to take a break and cool off. This helps both parties calm down and gather their thoughts. However, if you take a break, you need to be ready to have a continued discussion in ten minutes or you will be devaluing the stoppage and the other person’s feelings.
Absolutely at no time can you use the silent treatment during or after a fight. This is considered manipulative and emotionally and psychologically abusive. Yes, some people will emotionally shut down, but that does not give them the right to stonewall or just go silent in the middle of an argument and then continue their behavior for hours, days or even weeks. Silence should never be used as a weapon. In the end this will cause more pain than the fight itself. Often this forces the other person to become more volatile, mad and disrespectful and forces them to explode.
As mentioned above, take a break, resume in an hour or whatever time frame, take segmented breaks for yourself and your mental health. When you leave, make sure that you give reassurance that you will come back to resume the conversation and that you are not walking away from the disagreement. During the time apart make sure to shift your mood and not replay what was said. The last thing you want to do is come back even more angry.
When we criticize the other person, we try to be mean and hurtful. We are trying to make the other person feel bad when we may be masking our hurt and not effectively communicating it to our partner. The comments are closed and do not allow your partner to respond without being defensive and the connection cannot be strengthened or built. An example of this is “your so selfish. I don’t know why I am with you….”. This may be a true statement, but there are other ways to make the same comment. You could try “I want to spend more time with you, and I want to connect with you”. Replace with “I want and I need” statements. If you replace the criticism with your needs, it is easier for your partner to respond in a positive manner and not a defensive one. You need to learn to replace the criticism with an instruction or positive action.
When we are in defensive mode, we are not listening to what our partner is saying. All that we are doing is processing the defense to their comments. When in defense mode, all you are doing is figuring out how to combat the comments and emotions that are on display. Well, you did this, and you do that….” It is a response instead of considering and listening to your partner. If both parties are in defensive mode, you get into a grid lock and neither party is going to back down. Being defensive removes the opportunity for you to be responsible for your behavior and you think that your behavior is a reaction to theirs when all actuality your behavior is a cause for the conflict.
You can remove defensiveness and their negative reactions by softening the questions and how you say certain things. An example would be to try to use outside influences as the reason for their behavior. “I know how hard you are working and that you have all these deadlines that are not your fault, but sometimes I need more help around the house”. This is significantly better than “you never help our or you never do anything around the house”. Now, this does not mean that they will not be defensive, but hopefully they will be less defensive and understand where you truly come from when you speak to them. If you want them to be accountable, then you can’t attack and force them to be defensive. On the flip side, try to be an active listener and understand where your partner is coming from and have compassion for what they are trying to say, not what they are saying.
Finally, you must end on a positive note and with some form of connection. Whether it is a kiss, a hug or an I love you, leaving on a positive note gives reassurance to the other person. The old saying is that you should never go to bed bad. There is a lot of truth in that statement.
Marriage is hard. It is a full-time job. I have always said that the hardest two jobs that you will ever have is your marriage (or relationship) and being a parent. In my opinion these are the two hardest depending on the day and everything else takes second place.
Whether you use the rules outlined above or the two of you make your own set of rules, just remember why you are fighting in the first place. It is not the argument; it is that you actually care about the other person. When couples no longer fight is when I worry the most.
