Dr. Orion Taraban (@PsycHacks) said it best in one of his recent discussions with the amazing Miss Sadia Khan, a counselor should not be your paid friend and you want to make sure that your therapist understands modern dating, modern relationship dynamics and modern problems. So many of my new clients come to me and say, “this is not how my previous therapist did things” or “I didn’t realize this is how therapy would be”. Traditional therapists tend to overcomplicate the simple facts and will not be upfront and truthful with you.
If you have been in therapy for years trying to solve the same issue, then you need to fire your current therapist and consider booking a consultation with us. This means that your current therapist does not know the real issue, or you have not been truthful with them. Realistically, you should be in therapy for three months (six months max) and you should see a significant change in yourself even after the first session. You should be able to have hope and potentially see what you are doing wrong so that you can correct the specific actions. Taraban states that it is ok to work with a therapist long term if the original issue that you started with has been resolved.
My clients know when they come to me that I will call bullshit when I see it. They come to me with problems or issues and are looking for solutions. Therapeutic coaching defines the problem and creates actionable solutions. The progress is made outside of the session when the client puts in the work, effort and makes different choices (acting differently). As mentioned previously, you should know this is helping you/providing you with hope from the very first session and moving in the direction of your objectives. If not, there is an issue according to Dr. Taraban.
Dr. Taraban makes a great point when he states that there is an unwritten rule that counselors should not be direct with your clients, and he thinks that it is stupid. If a client is doing something foolish, harmful or detrimental to their goals, it is the counselor’s job to speak up and give their perspective on what can be done to avoid the potential setbacks for their client. Your therapist’s goal should be to provide hope and help their clients reach their goals through specific solutions. Why should they sit back as your counselor and watch their clients go in a different direction from their goals. It is their job as a clinician to help you stay on the path that you have chosen and to help you reach your goals as quickly as possible.
Your therapist should lead with truth and not necessarily kindness. Yes, you want a therapist to be kind but sometimes being truthful doesn’t allow them to be kind. They say the truth hurts, but would you rather hear the truth or be in therapy for years trying to find it.
Therapy that leads with communication, understanding, compassion and the notion that all relationship problems can be resolved if we just learn to communicate better, understand each other and have more empathy for each other’s perspectives is a much of BS. Dr. Taraban also calls BS and states this is not true and that this is not what actually leads to improved relationships. If it was, our world leaders would be doing a much better job of having empathy and compassion towards one another.
Yes, those things matter and will help the relationships grow, but they cannot be the leading factor when it comes to individuals, couples and couple sessions. Make sure you are totally honest with yourself. For example, if you are coming to therapy because of your partner, and your partner refuses to come, you will ultimately become a better person by working on your goals, but you will need to realize that you cannot change a person who is not willing to work on themselves or the relationship.
Miss Khan states that you can measure the quality of your therapist by your relationships (with yourself and others). Are they improving or are you still in toxic relationships. Just because you feel better does not mean that the therapy is working. The quality of your relationships is a great measurement of how well your sessions are going. Do you have clarity and hope when you leave or did you trauma dump during your session and now feel worse than when you started?
Our therapeutic methods are not for everyone. Working with highly achieving individuals who are willing to put in the work will see the benefits and outcomes of our approaches from the very first session. Once you leave, it is up to you whether you feel that you need to return or if you now have clarity on achieving your goals. It may take one session to solve your problem, but it is up to you on how much work you want to put in and how many sessions will be needed to reach your goals.
