Should we leave the porn to the porn stars or is there some good that can come out of watching porn? This is the question that I asked one of my clients the other day that thinks watching porn daily is good for him. So, I asked him for examples of how it is good for his overall wellbeing? Needless to say, the room had an awkward silence.
Now, there is some benefits to watching porn, but we will get to that in a minute. For now, and in general, porn is not the best representation of how to have sex and to especially be intimate with your partner. The other issue with porn is that it releases dopamine rushes. While this is amazing at first, over time when you watch too much porn your body will generate to much dopamine causing the dopamine receptors to shut down. When they shut down, you need more porn to get them going again, and you guessed it, you are now an addict who is addicted to porn. Congratulations, porn is now your drug of choice.
Women need intimacy and if you watch porn, they do from going out to going down and there is no in between. They leave out the seduction (and the lube). They leave out the slow kissing and undressing your partner that turns them on and makes them wet (or hard). There is a reason that we need foreplay in our sex lives. We need all the in between that porn leaves out. Porn is the last place that shows a man how to treat a lady.
What if I told you watching porn makes you a two-pump chump and that the likely hood of you lasting in bed more than 30 seconds is like finding a unicorn in your back yard with a leprechaun riding it. You watch porn for the instant gratification. You watch porn to get aroused and get off. Unless you jerk off or masturbate more than 10 minutes a time, you are training your body that it is ok to finish as quick as possible. Realistically, porn can lead to shitty sex with your partner or worse.
There is nothing worse than having a limp dick in the presence of a beautiful woman (not that I would know, but I have been told by clients). Watching to much porn and this will happen. You will start to condition yourself to being aroused by porn, but not by the real thing in real life. Now, that you can’t get it up, you leave embarrassed, you go home and watch more porn and the cycle continues. You would rather be home alone with porn than have that issue and embarrassment happen again.
Porn leads to relationship issues or lack of. You are so happy masturbating on your own, why go out and find someone to mutually masturbate with. You will stop being intimate with your partner. They may even ask you if you are having an affair if it gets that bad.
The creation of Only Fans (OF) only exacerbates the issues with the porn industry. Did you know that OF creator made more money in 2023 ($6.6B) than the entire NBA combined payroll for players ($4.9B). Only Fans has made being a porn star a dream job for many. Only Fans has created an epidemic where soft porn (or prostitution) is ruining the lives of so many in real time. Are they “content creators” or “exploited women”? Only Fans gives average men the balls to think they deserve a super model even though they are a two at best. Their expectations are warped from porn and the OF experience.
Now, if watching porn a good thing? Depends. Watching porn with your partner for arousal or if you are looking to experiment or explore is not a bad place to start if. Just make sure you have a conversation first with your partner to make sure that you are on the same page about porn and the specific type of porn. The last you thing you need is to turn on the porn you like, and your partner wants to vomit. Pornography for couples can spice up the relationship if done and introduced correctly.
Bellesa in my opinion really does a nice job of creating porn that includes what women want. A porn site owned by women, run by women and produced by women creates the porn that makes them a little hornier than some of the other sites. Their porn videos are tasteful and have a romantic element to them that excites women like a slutty romance novel.
Porn allows to you explore your own personal body in ways that you only see, well in porn. Spending time with yourself and a little porn to guide you will allow you to learn more about yourself and ultimately provide you with the confidence to ask your partner for what you like and to help you learn what you may not like in the bedroom. Porn also allows individuals to learn what turns them on (and off).
Growing up, porn was a right of passage for a young man. I remember my neighbor stealing his uncle’s Playboys that we would hide under his mattress. We couldn’t wait to go to the neighbor’s house to catch a glimpse of whatever month and playmate of whatever year. Now, was this porn. Absolutely. Was it tasteful. For the most part. The difference is that today’s video porn (not photos) may lead young men (and women) to believe that violence in sex is normal and an acceptable behavior. Teenagers are going to watch porn as they are curious and have porn at their fingertips and it is accessible 24/7 for them. We as parents need to do our jobs and educate them on what is good porn and what is only in the movie’s porn.
Porn, like anything is moderation or used for the right reasons can be a good thing. However, porn leads to unrealistic expectations on how sex plays out and how a woman’s body is supposed to look and how big a man’s dick should be. There can’t be anything more horrifying than a man whipping it out and the woman he is with says “that’s cute, but where’s the rest of it” (again, client story and not a personal experience). Sorry women, men do not average 10 inches on a cold day.
It is hard (no pun intended) to escape porn. It is everywhere and very accessible at any time of the day. Porn isn’t needed to maintain a healthy sexual life. It can liberating to explore your own bodies and your personal relationships with the help of porn. It is important to remember that not everyone has a harmful relationship with pornography and that many use porn in a way that is healthy and improves their relationship and their sex lives.
If your relationship to pornography is something that seems to be taking a negative toll on your life in any way, reach out to me directly to schedule a time to talk individually or in a couple’s session. Together, we can figure out how to rediscover your relationship to sex, porn and masturbation and how to properly include it in your life, in a healthy way.
