Let’s Talk About Sex

Are you good at sex? Do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? Are you open and honest with your partner when it comes to activities in the bedroom? Are you getting your needs satisfied and does your partner know what those needs are?

I work with couples all the time that are not happy in the bedroom and if I ask about their last sex discussion, they look at me like I am crazy. You can talk about the kids, vacations, holidays, but you can’t talk about what turns you on with the person that you trust the most and who you are most vulnerable and exposed with?

Research shows that couples who can openly talk about sex have more sex, and women in the relationships have more orgasms (Gottman, 2018). In the book “Eight Dates” relationship specialist John Gottman talks about how couples need to have a “sex review” after they are done being intimate and having sex. Now, this is something that should never be done while in the act or in the bedroom. This is something that needs to be done after the fact. The next morning or that evening while you are sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table.

The discussions should be what you both enjoyed, what you both would change and what you both would want to do differently next time. This is the chance for the two of you to learn what one another want, like or dislike. This is also a great time to discuss fantasies and what really turns you on or what you may or may not be comfortable trying in the bedroom. The more conversations that the two of you have, the better your sex life will be. This is a win-win for both parties involved.

Now, both parties need to be open and honest with each other, not matter what you think the other person will say. You want to try anal, tell your partner. You want to try pegging, tell your partner. You want to try new toys or introduce toys into your sex life, tell your partner. You like one position over another, tell your partner. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. This will allow for a more intimate connection and overall better sex. I mean, isn’t that the goal?

The facts are the facts, 70% of people (men and women) use indirect strategies to ask for sex. This means only 30% of couples are direct when they want to have sex and will initiate with kissing, touching and cuddling. There is no secret that most men like to have sex more than women (yes there are those who are opposite, but the majority). Men want sex 4-5x a week, while women want sex 1-2x a week. Men have explicit fantasies, while women have romantic. It is these differences that without being able to communicate with your partner lead to sexual frustration and rejection. Do you know how many times I have heard one partner over the other say that “I just stopping trying as I always get rejected anyways”. When I hear this comment, I know that the couple has never had the sex talk or a sex review. If they did, they wouldn’t be in this situation and would know exactly what turns their partner on and when. They would have the ques and the key to endless and great sex. Without it, the rejection continues and the frustration from both parties grows and potentially spills over into other parts of the relationship from the frustration and tension.

We as couples, cannot be afraid to ask for what we want and what makes us happy. We ask each other what we want for dinner all the time. Now ask what you want for “dessert”. Remember, this is a two-way street and if your partner wants to try something new and you are hesitant, go with it. What is the worst that happens? I can’t tell you how many times couples were hesitant to try something to only realize that they both like the new thing, the new toy or the new position.

The stigma that we are not supposed to ask, or I don’t want to ask because I will get embarrassed needs to stay outside the bedroom door. Inside, you are equals. It doesn’t matter on each other’s sexual past. All that matters is what the two of you want to try and explore. However, this will never happen unless the two of you can communicate with each other open and honestly.

Now……. how is ready to have better sex?!

Still not comfortable with having a sex review. Schedule a session with me and together we can help explore your relationship and reach new heights that you did not even know were imaginable. This will not only help your relationship in the bedroom, but overall. The level of intimacy and communication will increase, and the cycle will continue and only improve your relationship. It is never too late to start having the talk. Just starting to date or have been married for 30 years. Today is a great day to start having more and better sex.