Couples ask me all the time, is it true that once a cheater is always a cheater? That is truly a hard question to answer. Some researchers say absolutely, but I am a believer in change and hope. When someone comes to me, I believe that they can change and I have the hope that they can change and want to change, so normally I look at the data, but in this instance I don’t. Plus, I think most of the data is missing something……the reason someone cheated in the first place.
What is missing from the person’s life that made them cheat? What are they not getting from their current relationship that they are looking to get fulfilled from the other person? I always ask people all the time when someone goes to see an escort, they pay for an hour. The sexual act is normally 10 minutes or less if it even happens. What does the person do with the other 50 minutes? My intuition is that they fill the time with what the true reason they are there for is. Maybe they want someone to listen to them or they want physical affection like cuddling. Maybe they want someone to show them respect and admiration.
So, when couples ask me can they get past the affair, my answer is simple…. yes…. if you want to, but you are going to have to put in the work to get to the root cause of the affair and many people don’t want to do that. The journey will not be easy and will require the support and patience of both parties and a lot of real communication. However, those couple who usually do come out of the other end with a stronger relationship. It comes down to communication and communicating your wants and needs to your partner no matter how hard you think it will be.
Why do you think people cheat? Some say that women cheat for intimacy and men cheat for physicalness. For men, using the example above, they are looking for an ego boost. They normally are not in love with the other person, but they are in love with the feeling that that person gives them. Men are chasing a particular feeling that is lacking in their current relationship or potentially from their childhood or past relationships. It’s not sexual. If this was the case, then every man would be having sex with their partners. Men crave feeling a certain way or filling the void that is missing. Cheating for men is far more psychological and emotional than people think.
The women that enter into extra marital activities are usually looking to fill a void as well. They might be looking to feel safe. They might be looking for someone to listen to her and acknowledge that what she is feeling is ok. A woman may also cheat if she is in a relationship with a man where she must make all the decisions and has the obligation to hold the masculine energy rather than the feminine energy.
If a woman decides to cheat, she more than likely has no fear of losing the man. She has already accepted the consequences. Where if a man decides to cheat, he has not thought through the consequences and the possibility of losing his partner, family and more.
In the end you must believe that you can get past the infidelity and that there is something important worth saving. If you don’t believe that there is something worth saving, that is also up to you. Anyone has the right to stay or leave depending on their personal circumstances and boundaries.
