People and couples ask me all the time what are some of the things that I see in my sessions that are key indicators that couples will get divorced or that this one thing will lead to the relationship breaking up. Is there a magic indicator? I am sure there is, and I am sure if you were to ask 100 different marriage/couples’ counselors, that they could come up with 100 different answers. John Gottman, one of the leading expect in couples, states that contempt is the key indicator that he sees that will lead to couples breaking up and getting a divorce.
For me, my answer is a little different and from my experience, I can almost predict down to the month when couples will split up, break up or end up in a divorce. There is one thing that in my experience working with couples stands out the most and is a key indicator in my opinion that will lead couples into break ups. I know what you are thinking, and it is not that. It all stems and starts from what you are thinking, but in the end the key indicator is when one person in the relationship seeks professional help and starts to work on themselves, while the other person in the relationship stays the same and doesn’t make the effort, time or put in the work to make themselves better.
OK, here me out on this one. As the one person in the relationship works on themselves and develops healthy habits, they tend to also develop healthy personal boundaries. They can identify what truly makes them happy and the possible root causes of their anxieties, over thinking and depression (examples only as not everyone has these diagnosis). As this person betters themselves, their partner is staying the same. The gap between the two individuals is growing larger by each therapy session until one day there is an ah ha moment. Once there is an ah ha moment, there may be no turning back for either person.
Self help and self-reflection are key components to personal growth. When this person starts to see the changes and see the momentum shift within themselves, there is no stopping them. Their partner needs to either get in line or get out of the way. I know that sounds a little harsh, but the truth sometimes is harsh.
I have said it before, I think every couple should be in counseling and that every couple no matter what stage they are in their relationship should be working on the relationship with professional so that when the difficult times come, they have the coping skills to handle any situation. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, after receiving treatment, almost 90% of clients report an improvement in their emotional health. I can concur with this as couples leaving my office almost all of the time leave better than when they arrived and happier.
This goes for personal counseling as well. It is my opinion that everyone should be seeing a counselor or life coach to help them prepare for when things do get difficult, they have the skills and tools to not spiral into a deep depression but can overcome the adversity that is upon them.
Every person is not the same person they were yesterday as they are today. They are not the same person they were last month, last year or the last 3 years of their relationship. I believe that a full transformation takes place every three years for individuals and for the couple. If one person is changing for the better and the other is not changing at all, then there is a bigger gap between the two parties. There is resentment, there is lack of sex, lack of quality time, lack of communication and more. Small changes make the gap larger, but in small steps. People seeking professional help, see that gap grow quicker and larger than those who do not.
According to Dr. Orion Taraban, PSY.D. (@psychacks), when one person starts the heeling process or a phase of personal development and the other person doesn’t, it is going to widen the gap between felt compatibility. One person starts to go down one track, while another goes down the other track. This will ultimately lead to a drastic change in the relationship dynamic.
When the other person in the relationship is not willing to put the work in, there is the potential for bitterness from that individual to the other person. The other person is getting clarity on their needs and wants in the relationship, while the stagnant person is not. Eventually one person, if not both will feel frustrated, burn out, and animosity.
Now, you cannot let this information stop you from seeking the help that you need or the help that you deserve. Sitting down with your significant other and having a calm conversation about why they may or may not want to seek counseling is a great way to open the communication channels about the topic. In the end, we all need to continue to grow and to better ourselves. Albert Einstein said it best, “The day you stop learning is the day you start dying”. Personal growth is something we all need to be doing and today is a great day to start that journey.
Want to discuss this topic more or are seeking individual or couples counseling, please feel free to reach out to me to schedule a time that works best for you (and your partner).
