Are you really asking the right questions? Are your questions leading to resolutions or are they leading to more chaos and unclarity? Asking the right question is a skill. It is a learned skill that takes time to develop, but once you do, you will no longer see things like you use to. Asking the right questions will bring clarity to your job, your relationships and your overall thinking process.
First and more importantly people must feel that you genuinely care and that you are asking the question from a place of authenticity. People need to know that the question is coming from a safe place to where they can answer it.
When people feel connected you will get “real feedback”, you will get honest and genuine feedback. You will get creative, curious and collaborative feedback and answers to your questions. The feedback will become fuel for those individuals to want to do better whether it is your kids, your spouse or our team members. When people feel seen. When people feel wanted and not tolerated or part of your job, it changes how people feel and interact with the conversation.
Again, this does not matter whether the conversation is with your children, your spouse or your co-workers. You want your kids to be engaged with the conversation and not have answers like “it’s fine” then you need to show that you care and that you are actively engaged with the conversation and them and their lives. When you become someone who inspires rather than commands and someone who brings out the best in someone and not the worst you will truly build a solid relationship and foundation to grow upon. However, setting the tone comes from asking the right questions.
So many times when a family comes in to see me, I know right away what the issue is by how they interact with each other. The same can be said about my business clients. When I walk in and talk to the employees and they tell me “this place is a cluster fuck”, I know the issue. Asking the right questions comes from thinking strategically. Usually when someone comes to us with an issue or a problem like our kids, our spouse or those we lead at the office, we want to jump right into “fix it” mode. We want to offer solutions and insight without actually thinking about what is really being asked.
I tell my clients all the time when someone comes to you with an issue, the first question to ask is “do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it”. Their answer will immediately tell your brain to listen or to solve the problem. When we are told to listen we can truly be present, and we can switch off the trying to fix part of our thought process.
So many times, someone may say to you “did you hear what I said”. This is not that you are not listening, but you are immediately trying to solve the problem even before they finish talking to you and asking for whatever they are asking for. I ask this question all the time to my kids and most of the time my daughter says I just want you to listen and not fix. Perfect! I now know my role. This is the same behavior that I use with my team members, and they truly feel seen and heard in the workplace.
Active listening includes paraphrasing what the person said. It includes not judging them, no interruptions and interpretation of what is being said. Active listening uses their language to validate their experiences. You are focusing on their understanding and perspective and then validating what they are saying. Remember at no point in the conversation are you telling them they are right or wrong or how to fix it. You are saying to them “I see you” and “I hear you”.
The best kind of thought-provoking questions are open ended. Don’t ask “how was your day” ask “what was the best part of your day”. This makes the person must stop and think. If you ask your kids how their day way, “it’s fine” is always the answer you get. Ask them what the best part of their day was, and you start an engaging conversation.
In my sessions I ask solution focused questions to help explore solutions and persuade people to look beyond the problem and focus on the outcome that they want. They are coming to me for a reason, to solve a problem that they are having. Asking the right questions gives them hope that they will be able to come up with the solution on their own.
In the work place when someone comes to me with an issue, the first thing that I ask is “what do you truly think the issue is and how would you solve it?”
Followed by “I hear what you are saying…..” and then “what do you think needs to happen from here?”
I then ask, “what are the first steps that you would take to solve the issue?” from there I might ask “what do you need from me to solve the problem”? Finally, I will ask “when do you think you will solve the problem by?”. This creates ownership and a timeline that they developed and can be accountable for.
I do the same thing with my kids when they say I can’t find something or how do I do this or that. I ask, “what is the first thing you tried before you came to me”. I tell the kids all the time “I want to hear solutions, not the problem”. This helps them think through the issue before just relying on me to tell them what to do and how to do it. Of course, there are times when they ask me how to do something that it creates an engaging opportunity and task like how to build something or repair something. Yes, google how to do it, but then actively listen to what they are asking and then go help them with the task. I always make sure to clarify what they are truly asking for – help, advice or just someone to listen.
Listen, ask, tell. This is the simple framework to address any dynamic situation. Being present, being an active listener and asking the right questions develops you into the leader, parent and spouse that you have always wanted to become.
Not sure where to start…. send me an email or pick up the phone. We will figure it out together.
