One of my clients is in love. He wants to propose to his now girlfriend. Now, I know this sounds amazing, but the issue is that she does not bring him peace. She is not his safe space or quietness when he gets home from a long day at the office.
As we talk more about the situation and the possible triggers that are setting her off, we discover that she is not healed from her past relationships. She did not take the time to hear and process the pain from her past two relationships. She hid her emotions and got into the next relationship hoping this one would be different.
The issue is that her previous two relationships both cheated on her and now she is convinced that my client is going to do the same thing, even though this is the furthest thing from the truth. She is constantly wanting to go through his phone, know where he is at and when he will be home. She tracks his location and wants to know who he is with. Even to the point of having him Facetime at that specific moment to prove where he is at and who he is with.
Does this sound healthy to you? Is this something that you think will get better if you put a ring on it. No way! This will only escalate the situation. We all want love and when we think we have found it, we put up a lot more than we ever bargained for because we think this is the right thing to do.
So many times, I work with couples who are not healed from previous relationships and have triggers that are misinterpreted by the partner that is not healed from previous relationships and will blame the new partner for the old shit that happened.
Have you ever been yelled at for no reason and you don’t know why? Did their mood change instantly for no apparent reason? To the other person, there is nothing out of the ordinary, but to the trauma victim, they are having flashbacks related to sounds, events, songs, colors, flowers, smells and more.
For instance, have you ever smelled something that made you think of an old love? Maybe it was their favorite meal or their favorite restaurant. Ever hear a song on the radio that made you go “I remember where I was and who I was” and it brings back a good warm memory. Flip that around and think that someone could have caught their significant other in bed cheating to the same song. Your actions and their reactions to the same stimulus are completely different as they did not take the time to themselves to truly heal from the past trauma and issues.
Other situations also arise when someone is not healed. For instance, an ex-spouse wore a specific cologne and on a first date the other person is wearing the same cologne, so you immediately think that since your ex wore this cologne and the new guy wears the same cologne that you immediately think he will cheat, abuse, be narcissistic or other just because of the smell of his cologne. This person is now interpreting and viewing this person through the lens that was used to see the traits of their ex. They are now looking for excuses on why this person is a bad person even though they could be mother Theresa.
Unfortunately, this is a very common situation in modern dating or relationships that are in the first one-to-two-year stage. The person’s triggers from previous relationships are now affecting this relationship superficially.
This can also be seen when you lack a trait that the other person is used to. If they associate love and affection with yelling and fights and you are not a fighter or do not get into arguments, then the other person may think that you don’t love them or care for them as messed up as this sounds. When a person used to chaos find peace, they don’t know what to do and they either try to recreate their chaos or end up leaving and the other person is at a loss and then starts a new cycle of trauma that may need to be healed before getting back out there.
For those of you that have been on the apps, how many people do you think are truly healed or are using dating apps such as Hinge or Bumble to ignore self-reflection and self-healing. How many people on the apps and in the dating world today that should be working on themselves (and not on the app) before they get out into the dating world. How much better would dating be if everyone worked on themselves and not tried to hide the past trauma events waiting for the next good person to mess up so that you can say “see I told you so”.
We all have baggage, but some of us manage it better than others. A couple of ways to know whether you are healed from relationship-based trauma are:
- Are you completely avoiding romantic relationships OR you are withholding love/care/vulnerability in your relationship because you are afraid of being hurt again and out of fear you are afraid bad things are going to happen
- Are you always waiting for something to go wrong in your romantic relationship
- Are you consciously (or subconsciously) creating dramas in otherwise healthy romantic relationships
- Are you not trusting your partner, even when they have not given you any reason not to trust them
- Are you making a big deal out of small mistakes or caring events
- Do you think that you are not good enough for your current partner
- Are you doubting or second guessing your partner even though you have not reason to
- Are you comparing your current partner to an ex-partner when something resembles a negative action from past relationship
If you said YES to any one or more of the above bullets, then you may want to figure out what is causing the issue. Now, I am not saying that you need to back up your things and leave your current partner but sit down with them and communicate with them. Help them understand what you are going through so that they can be supportive, and you can be successful in this relationship or others. Let your partner know what is bothering you so that they can support you and make a conscious effort to try and not do the things that bother you the most.
Look, healthy relationships require work and effort from both parties. Neither one of you is a mind reader. Open up and let the other person in. Communicate with them and make the relationship a priority. The worst thing you can do is build up resentment for something that they do not even know that they are doing.
Who you choose to spend your time and potentially your life with can and will affect your mental health and wellbeing. Love really matters and who you invest your time, efforts and energy as it will impact. Make sure that you are healed and that your partner is healed from past trauma so that it will not affect your relationship now or in the future.
