Are you currently in your relationship for the right reasons? Are you currently getting everything that you need out of your relationship? Can you say that you are truly happy to be in your current relationship with your current partner or do you think that you can be happier somewhere else and in a different relationship?
One of the hard questions that I ask a lot of the couples that I work with is “how many times a day do you think about leaving your current relationship”. The answer can astonish you to think that couples are potentially already checked out or have one foot out the door of their current relationship. Some think it is easier to start a new relationship rather than focus and work on the current one. If you already have one foot out the door, how much effort are you really putting into your current relationship? To many times individuals are trying to rationalize with themselves or trying to justify the relationship to themselves and others.
What does a healthy romantic relationship look like to you? Do you want your relationship to fulfill you and support you? Do you want your relationship to uplift you and encourage you to be better and want to do better every chance that you have? Do you want a relationship have love flowing both ways or will one partner always suck and take the love from the other person with nothing in return? Are you truly able to express love the way you want to and are you able to receive love the way that you want to receive it?
It is amazing to see how your current relationship and honestly all relationships can affect your mental health for the better or unfortunately for the worse. Coming home to a loving home that provides support, and love is no better feeling and promotes positive mental health, but if you come home to a stressful environment, where is your safe space? Where is your needed downtime to help you recover and keep your mental health in check?
To many times people stay in relationships because it is comfortable, because of their partner’s looks or social status, or because they have children together. These decisions and choices are scarifying our mental health because you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons. These decisions are prolonging your true ability to find the happiness that you want and ultimately deserve.
A healthy relationship should have some if not all of the following:
Mutual respect and trust
You both respect each other’s opinions, boundaries, and individuality. You can rely on each other and aren’t afraid to share your thoughts and fears.
Open and honest communication
You can talk about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment. You can also check in with each other regularly to ensure you’re on the same page. If you can’t talk openly about your feelings, who are you supposed to tell? If you feel judged or ignored, who are you supposed to talk to? Your partner should be your safe space and provide you with the ability to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, your day and everything else you want to discuss or entertain.
Emotional and physical safety
You feel safe sharing your true self without fear of intimidation, criticism, or violence. This includes feeling emotionally safe to open up about your fears and desires. If your partner is not the one you want to tell everything to, what are you doing with them?
Shared decision-making
Both partners have a say in decisions, from daily tasks to bigger life choices. There is no imbalance of power where one person dictates everything. Dictatorships are overrated. Having one person control everything doesn’t help the relationship grow and flourish. Every month for 30-60 minutes both parties in the relationship should be sitting down to review finances, bills, incomes, spending habits and savings for common goals.
Support for individual growth
The relationship encourages you to have your own life outside of it. You support each other’s personal goals and independence, rather than trying to control them. Golf trips with the guys are good. Girls’ night out are fantastic ideas. Both individuals need to have a life outside of the relationship for the relationship to grow and flourish. Without the outside relationships, one could tend to feel smothering.
“Fair fighting”
When you disagree, you fight fairly. This means avoiding hurtful or destructive language and working through problems constructively. In previous blogs I have discussed creating rules for fighting to ensure you are both on the same page. Arguments are going to happen. Just make sure that they do not go to far and regrets are had.
Compatibility beyond chemistry
While chemistry is great, a strong relationship also has compatibility in values, goals, and lifestyles. You work well together over the long term. Having sex all the time is fun, but what truly creates the connection for the two of you? What truly creates the intimacy for one another.
A sense of peace
The relationship adds to your overall sense of peace and happiness, rather than creating unrest. If the relationship does not allow you to be you and allow you to find happiness and truly find peace, what are you doing? You are choosing the relationship. Why not choose peace over chaos.
The thought of a long-term commitment with your partner should excite you. Been married twenty years, the next twenty should be something that you are looking forward to. There should be no conditions or specific terms for someone to be in a relationship.
If you were to go back in time, would you choose this relationship again? This is a simple question to answer for yourself to tell yourself where you stand in the relationship. If they answer is yes, then you still have love to give. If the answer is no, then maybe you have more than one foot out the door, but maybe both.
Couples come to see me in all stages of their relationship. Some come to see me as they want me to “save” their marriage when in the end both individuals are already checked out and even if they put the work in, it is not genuine. On the other hand, couple come to see me to “save” their marriage and they can do just that. They know that cannot do better with someone else and they are willing to put the effort in and do whatever it takes to save their current relationship.
Every relationship is different, but they all have the same overall building blocks and foundations. Not sure where to start and how to navigate the next steps in your current relationship, reach out and let’s figure it out together.
