Oh, the possibilities. Oh, the potential that they could be. Potential can be a very dangerous thing. Potential can give someone more power than they may deserve.
Now I’m not saying that you should not consider someone’s potential and be their biggest cheerleader while they reach their highest potential. I am stating the importance of separating actual feelings for a person from the potential you may have created in your head about they could potentially become. The potential that you may have created in your head may not match the reality of the situation or the potential may be something that they are not being capable of achieving.
As individuals, we need to date or marry the person that is front of you and not the potential that they might become one day. Stop and think about your current relationship if you are in one. Is the person that you are with the person you could be happy with the way that they are or are you with that person based on their future potential.
If I were to ask you right now, what do you wish that you could change about your partner, it is based on potential or reality? If you are trying to control and manipulate them to become the person that you want them to be, it is not going to end well, and you are setting the relationship up for failure and resentment. You need to let them be themselves and show you who they really are. Once they really show you who they are, is the reality someone that you still want to be married to are continue dating?
The unfortunate reality is that you are probably with someone who you really don’t want to be with in the present, but what to be within the potential. You so much want to change them and change the current reality that you are missing the real and actual picture that is right in front of you. No matter long you wait they are not going to change unless they want to change. All you can do is make very clear and passionate requests about what you need and why you want to see the change. But you cannot force or give them an ultimatum as it will only lead to resentment.
Now comes the hard part. You need to sit back and watch them show you who they are. You need to give them 90-120 days. You need to give them 4-6 months to truly show you whether they want to make the changes you are seeking. If they truly want to make the changes, you will see the signs. However, if there are no signs and no changes, you need to decide. Do you stay with this person or do you leave them. If you stay, you need to shut the fuck up, cannot bitch about it or bring it up again.
If you choose to leave, that is ok to. You are being true to yourself and not allowing someone to disrespect a personal boundary. This decision may not be easy, but in the end, you are doing for yourself and your happiness. If you tell someone what you need, their actions will be the true form of communication and truly tell you where you stand and where you matter in the relationship and to them personally. Now, just make sure that your expectations are real and obtainable and not something that they could never achieve. Being in love with someone’s potential can potentially lead to idealization to the point of self-neglect both mentally, emotionally and physically.
If they decide to give it the old college try, make sure you are encouraging them in a positive way and support them any way that you can. Positive encouragement is a great way to help with motivation. Never be sarcastic or make fun of their efforts or progress.
In the end, marry the person that they are and not their potential. Make sure you can live with and be happy with their current version of themselves and not the version that you want them to be. Setting expectations in a situation like this will only lead to heartbreak and disappointment, and it will not be their fault, it will be yours for thinking they are something that they are not.
