Over the past couples of weeks, I have taken on individuals as new clients who felt stuck or felt like they were going to “disappear” from their current lives or situations. A couple of them are going through divorces and feel that their friends will choose sides. Others feel like they are about to lose their identity and their best friend of 20-30 years.
As individuals, we are not fans of change. Change is uncomfortable and means that we must do something that we may or may not like and is out of our control and comfort zone. As individuals we will always choose pleasure over pain. Yes, we know that change is needed, but the current situation or the known situation may not be the best situation, but we determine in our minds that is more pleasurable that the alternative.
Unfortunately, divorce is a change that is going to happen whether we wanted it or not. We can either embrace the change or we can fight it. Ultimately, fighting the change is going to make us even more miserable that we previously were.
Change is also an opportunity for something even better to come about. Something even better than our current situation and something better than we could have ever imagined. We just need to figure out how we are going to make the change. What will the first step be and what will it look like.
In her book ”Let Them”, author Mel Robbins states to “Give It A Year” and that change is not going to happen overnight and that we need to put a little effort into making the change for the positive. When we get divorced, we lose friends, we must move out of our home, and we must find new things to do and new places to frequent. This is ok and these changes are not bad things that can happen. Robbins talks about being the first person or “Going First”. This means don’t be the person who is closed off and have an open mind in meeting new people, but you may have to be the person who must make the first move. To many this is very uncomfortable and that is ok. Start small and work your way up to larger events and things.
Robbins states that you should compliment everyone everywhere they go. People love compliments. See a shirt you like, tell them. See a haircut you like, let them know about it. See a dinner that someone ordered at a restaurant that you are at, ask them how it was. People love to talk about themselves, so be curious. Ask people what they ordered at Starbucks. Even if it doesn’t go any further than that conversation, say thank you and chalk it up to a practice round for talking to people and engaging with them. Also, don’t forget to smile and say hello to everyone you meet. You may not make a new friend, but you would be brightening up someone else’s day. Everything that you do should be without expectations and without intention. “Just Do It” as Nike says. Do it for yourself.
I tell my clients all the time, you need to change up the scenery for something new to happen. You can’t expect to sit on the same bar stool every day and expect everything around you to change while you sit back and watch. Check out Facebook or your local Metro Times for events or classes in your area. Take the cooking class, go to yoga, enjoy a wine tasting. This will put you near people who have comment interests as you.
When attending the class, compliment people, start small talk and see who you click with. Find someone you click with, ask for their number or if they want to get together outside of the specific event. As you meet more people, create groups and seek out events together that might look interesting. Create the group chat with as many people as possible and see who goes. Whether it is two people or twenty, you are starting something new for a lot of people who may be in a similar situation as yourself.
My clients are afraid that they are going to fade away or no longer matter to people who have been in their lives for countless years. It is ok if this happens. It is scary, but putting yourself out there for new opportunities can be exciting as well. Go do the things you always wanted to do but always had to ask permission first. This is the time. This time is now. Make it happen and you will be surprised. You will be mad at yourself for not doing this sooner.
Whether you are getting a divorce, moving to a new town, starting college, an empty nester or someone who is looking to make new friends, start putting yourself out there, give it a year and you will be surprised how far you will have come and how happy you will be. It may not look like it now, but you are about to start a new journey, a new transformation and a new person who will have new friends, maybe new interests and more. What is stopping you? Still not sure, book a session with me and let’s talk about it.
