When dating apps first came out, it was almost taboo to tell someone you were on the sites, and when you met someone, you always had to come up with a different story on how the two of you met. Fast forward to today, and dating apps are more prevalent than ever make connecting with individuals sometimes easier than ever. Today, we all know a couple of two that met online and even got married, and it all started with a like or a swipe right.
With every fairy tale ending, there is the dark past that no one wants to talk about. There is The side of the positive that people tend to forget. Yes, dating apps are great when things work out in the end, but what about all the mental health issues that you may have potentially had along the way. Dating apps have their fair share of issues and problems that can affect a person’s mental health without us even knowing about it.
The first thing that comes to mind is men harassing women and women receiving the unsolicited dick pic from a guy that they just met. For men, it is the intense competition and unrealistic standards that may have been set for them even before the joined the app. For either sex, the apps create a superficial start to the relationship as the person is judged on their photos (if they are even real or unfiltered).
If you just join an app and don’t have any likes or matches, what does this do to your self-esteem? Do you start questioning the apps algorithm or do you start questioning yourself and your profile and specifically your photos? The other side of it is that you get so many matches that it can be overwhelming and your anxiety for choosing and connecting with more people that you are comfortable with can create a high level of anxiety.
The rejection rate on dating apps is extremely high. Are you prepared to handle the rejection? People will delete your profile or ghost you for no reason. If you view this as rejection, then this can potentially increase your chances for having higher than normal anxiety.
The ups and downs of dating apps can be overwhelming and exhausting. You meet someone, then you think should I message or wait? Am I communicating to much or to little? Am I on the app enough or do I need to check it 100x a day? The entire process can consume you for days if you are not careful.
Some of the other effects of dating apps and high stress can be:
- Endless worry about your profile being good enough
- Feeling anxious about saying the right opening line when you connect with someone
- Obsessing overlooking for new matches
- Wondering when a match will reply to your message
- Questioning whether the person is real, looks like their photos or is being truthful
- Thinking that every rejection means that there is something wrong with you personally
- Wondering or worrying about how many other people the person you like is talking to
- When to ask the person out and meet in person
- The constant swiping can lead to burn out and the endless cycle of swiping, matching, messaging and meeting up can wear anyone down.
Studies have shown that Swipe-Based Dating Applications (SBDAs) users report higher levels of depression, anxiety and distress compared to those who do not use the applications (Holtzhausen, 2020). Another study found that people who struggled with mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression were more likely to use dating apps—but they were also less likely to initiate contact with a match (Lenton-Brym, 2021).
There is a lot that you cannot control when you are using dating apps, but there is also a lot that you can control when you are using this form of technology and interaction with others.
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Be honest with yourself and why you are on the dating app. Don’t lie to yourself about what you truly want and are looking for. Are you on the dating app to make an ex jealous or are you using the sites to cure your boredom? Are you looking for outside validation or are you looking to cure loneliness? Looking for a deeper connection is also a valid reason to be on a dating site.
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Set your expectation levels to be realistic. Don’t expect to attract a 10 when you are 5. Don’t expect to date someone half your age if you are not prepared to handle the circumstances that come with an age gap relationship.
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Make sure you are confident and comfortable in your own skin before you get on the sites. Make sure you have a healthy level of self-esteem, are confident, and feel good about yourself before setting up a profile online. Finally, be able to handle rejection and judgement with ease and not where you might spiral out of control.
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Set limits to how much you plan to be on the apps. Maybe disabling the notifications will be less disruptive to your already productive day. Schedule time for yourself if needed to spend time on the apps. This way there is no endless scrolling and hours of not being productive pass by.
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Meet up in person when you are ready. Do not feel pressured by the other person on the location, timing or lack of conversation online first. You control the narrative, not them. Do not allow the other person to push you out of your comfort zone.
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It is ok to take a break if you feel overwhelmed or things did not go as planned with someone that you matched with and liked. Avoid the burnout and add in a little self-care as needed. This will also give you time to re-access your dating strategies.
At the end of the day, dating apps can lead to fairy tale endings, or no one would be using them. The happily ever after does happen, just not overnight. It takes time and a lot of energy. Just make sure you are mentally prepared for the journey, know exactly what you want, have personal boundaries defined and understand what kind of relationship that you want.
If you are unsure about the next steps, using dating apps, outlining your personal boundaries and more, consider talking to a therapist/life coach. Together we can work with you to figure out your dating goals, relationship expectations and resolve any past relationship issues that might be holding you back from finding your forever person. This way when you are ready to enter the online world of dating, you will be more prepared and emotionally available and in a mentally stable place.
References
Holtzhausen N, Fitzgerald K, Thakur I, Ashley J, Rolfe M, Pit SW. Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study. BMC Psychol. 2020 Mar 4;8(1):22. doi: 10.1186/s40359-020-0373-1. PMID: 32127048; PMCID: PMC7055053. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7055053/
Lenton-Brym, A. (2021). Associations Between Social Anxiety, Depression, and Use of Mobile Dating Applications. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 24(2). https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/cyber.2019.0561
