I get asked all the time-what are personal boundaries and what do they look like? The real question is what do they look like to you and what do they mean for you? Personal boundaries are different for every person and only the individual can define what their boundaries look like.
By definition, Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set to define acceptable behavior from others, protecting our physical, emotional, and mental well-being, essentially marking where we end, and another person begins. They are guidelines for how we want to be treated, covering areas like personal space, time, emotional sharing, and material possessions, and are crucial for self-respect and healthy relationships. In real talk it is how much bullshit we are going to allow and for how long we are going to allow it before there are consequences.
When we set a boundary and ask a person to adhere to our personal boundary, we are asking them to respect a request that we have made. If they can honor that request, great, but what if they do not. We can remind them of the personal boundary and hope that they adhere to it, but when they don’t it is up to us as individuals to accept the disrespect or to make a change to protect our personal boundary and more importantly protect ourselves.
We set personal boundaries as a form of self-respect. We are letting other know what bull shit we are going to tolerate and what bullshit is unacceptable. It is up to us to set the boundary and it is up to us to police, monitor and be the judge and jury for the personal boundary.
Some examples can be:
- Office
- Please do not interrupt me while I am in this meeting or on this call.
- Physical
- Please do not touch me like that
- Emotional
- I am not going to tolerate you talking to me like that
- Mental
- I need time after work to decompress. Please allow me 15-20 minutes to myself
- Time/Energy
- I apologize, but I need to decline the invitation as I need to get some rest
- Material
- I apologize, but I do not lend money to friends
When you communicate these boundaries, you do not need to go into detail or provide justification. You just need to be clear and concise on what you want and expect to happen. Make sure you are using “I” statements. “I need……”
Your boundaries are going to vary with each relationship that you have. Your personal boundaries with your significant other may be different that those with your mother and those you have set with your boss and co-workers. It is ok for your personal boundaries to change just as long as you effectively communicate those boundaries to the other party.
Now, what should you do if something breaks the boundaries that you have set forth. First, calmly and clearly tell the other person that they have broken the boundaries. State the boundaries again and then enforce the consequences if it happens again. Using “I” statements clearly is key. Be direct and be specific.
If it happens again, you need to be the one who administers the consequences. You are the only one who can disrupt the habit and action. It may not be easy, but you are the only one who can do it.
If you choose not to say anything, then you cannot get mad when the boundary is broken again and again. You at this point need to either start the process over or accept the behavior that you did not like in the first place.
There is no need to apologize for anything as you did nothing wrong. You have rights to set limits on what you are willing to tolerate and accept and what you are not willing to put up with. Safety is always first, so if you do not feel safe, remove yourself from the situation and create a new boundary like no contact.
People are like children when it comes to boundaries. They may need to be reminded, scolded and then receive a consequence for their actions. The consequence may not be easy, but you need to remember that it is in your best interest mentally, physically, emotionally and more. It is not your fault for them crossing your personal boundary. It is not your fault for them breaking the boundary. You are not responsible for their actions, but you are responsible for your response to their actions. Accountability is key. It may be tough for you at first, but you will realize that in the end, you are better off without dealing with someone who continues to disrespect you and your boundaries.
Remember, setting boundaries and adhering to them is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of understanding and knowing what you want. If you do not advocate for yourself who else will?
Need help setting personal boundaries, reach out to us as we can help alleviate the anxiety, stress and emotional toll that you are experiencing. We are here to help you with your personal boundaries and more.
