Working with couples (whether they are married or not) that are facing obstacles in their relationship, we need to get to the root cause of the issue and why they are coming to see me. The issue that they come to see me for may not be the actual issue that they are having with each other or even having with the relationship (see transference).
When I meet with couples, I like to get to know them. I like to understand how they met and why they chose each other to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I do this for two reasons, first for me to understand their past, but also to remind them where they are coming from and why they chose this journey together. I also like to ask couples “Would you choose your current relationship/partner again if you had the option”.
The look on people’s faces tells me a lot. If the answer is “YES”, this tells me that we have an opportunity to resolve any issues that they are currently having. If the answer is no, then the direction of the conversation could potentially change dramatically, but this still depends on where the answer is coming from. Is it a well thought out no or an emotional, no? Depending on which no they answer tells me and the couple where things could potentially be heading.
If the answer continues to be no, then we as the collaborative in the session need to understand what changed and how. Dealing with life, pitfalls and other challenges couples tend to forger how to love each other and why they fell in love in the first place. Are there factors outside the relationship such as mistrust (affairs), illness, tragedies or other that did not allow the goals of the couple to materialize?
These types of events can either pull couples closer or try to tear them apart. These significant challenges in a relationship can help renew the closeness they once felt, or it can create stressors that do not allow for the relationship to develop a deeper bond over the years. More than likely the couple is trying to return to life as they new it and not focus on their partner or the relationship.
If this sounds like you, don’t worry, you are not alone. If you were once a committed couple but have drifted away from what the relationship once was, please understand that your current situation is not unusual and that you are not alone in this journey.
So many couples come to see me where their intimacy at the beginning of the relationship has turned into a platonic friendship or “we are just roommates”. This happens when the relationship forgets to recreate what brought them together in the first place. This means showing up for each other every day and being intimate and being loving no matter what the circumstances are. Couples forget what brought them together in the first place- The newness, the adventure, the exploration.
I also like to ask my couples if the relationship is over, what changes? You separate, you start over, and you start to date others and get to know an entirely new person. Now, imagine if you put that effort into the person you married. You started to date again, and you start to get to know the person you have been with. Asking couples to become more alive, more passionate and more exciting seems to be a strange ask from time to time. I mean they are going to do it with complete strangers, so why not put the effort into the current relationship? As you can imagine the conversations that are had can be very interesting and intimate.
Re-assessing what changes have taken place over the past month, year or several years can help identify the expectation of the relationship and the participants. I want the participants to ask themselves “what do I need to do today that would make my partner want to marry me again”. I also like to ask, if you were your partner “would you marry you”? Looking internally always helps couples realize what additional efforts needs to be made for the relationship to move forward.
So many couples still love each other but have forgotten how to show it to each other and that is ok. Seeking out counseling is the first step in getting your relationship back on track, but remember it is up to the couple and the relationship to put in the work. As your counselor I am just here to help you remember what you may have forgotten and to help you find answers to your questions that you may have been too afraid to ask or didn’t know you needed to ask.
