We have all been there. We have all had to go through it at one point or another. Some of us handle the situations differently and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, but it can and will disrupt your daily life if you are not careful. Clients come to me all the time seeking help and guidance when dealing with a breakup in their relationships. Whether they had been dating for a couple of months or married for thirty years, break ups suck, and they hurt. Break ups are one of the worst experiences that you will have in your lifetime. The good news is that it doesn’t last forever. You will get through this.
As I mentioned there is no right way or wrong way to deal with break ups and there is no specific timeline on when I can tell you that you will get over the other person. All I can tell you is at eventually you will, and you will be better for it. When you are ready, you will wake up on that specific day and realize that things will be ok. Things are getting better, and you are getting better.
As I have mentioned previous blogs, never beg for someone to stay. If they want to leave, wave goodbye. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. If you are on the one doing the dumping, I am sure you have thought long and hard about your decision and finally hit your breaking point. Understand that that is ok, and you are putting yourself first.
Everything you read and hear in videos says that no contact for thirty days is a must, and I agree with them. Hearing their voice, interacting with them only prolongs the healing process and does not allow you or give you the opportunity to focus on yourself. Plus, from a neurological perspective, physiological perspective and a body chemical perspective you are so used to your daily dose of whomever that you need to retrain your mind, your body and your soul. The thirty days of no contact helps you do just that, focus on yourself and the healing process.
As we know, breakups are like grieving a loss. Sometimes our brains do not know the difference between the two from a chemical standpoint. The grieving process can take up to three months, which means you will be in the thick of the shit for at least 90 days. If you can make it through the first thirty days with no contact, the remaining sixty will only get better each day.
To make it through the thirty days and ultimately the ninety days of grieving, you need to do a couple of things to jump start the process.
First, remove an environmental triggers. Take down all photos of the other person. You don’t have to throw them away, but box them up and put them somewhere you will not see them. Did they get you your favorite blanket or sweater, put it in the box. Jewelry? Put it in the box? By boxing everything up gives you the confidence and control to start the healing process. You don’t need constant reminders of the other person during this time period.
Next, give yourself a little home make over, especially your bedroom. New paint, new sheets, new pillows. New chapter, new sheets and comforter. Get rid of their smell and any reminders of what happened in that room. Paint the walls if you need to so that you have an all-new look and feel when you enter the room.
You have a support group, use it! Call your friends. Make plans. Use your family for help and support. You will need to fill that space or void that the other person left. There is not better way than with friends and family.
Never sit around waiting for the phone to ring or for the text message. Go out and do all the things you have been wanting to do. Fill your calendar with fun events and activities. In the fall, go to the cider mill. In the summer, go to the beach. Go to a concert. Attend a cooking class. Take dance lessons and learn how to salsa. The list is endless and even if you do not feel like going, hold yourself accountable. You owe it to yourself to do fun things.
I know there is something challenging that you have always wanted to do. What is it? Mountain biking? Roller Blading? Kayaking or paddle boarding? Whatever it is, make it happen. Cross something off your bucket list while in the process of learning something new and challenging.
Finally, keep asking yourself the question! “If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you were single”? (Mel Robbins, 2024). Forward thinking, a positive mindset and reminding yourself that the best is yet to come will get through this difficult time. Time does not heal all wounds, but what you do with your time does – Mel Robbins.
One final reminder do not do anything out of revenge or spite. You want to lose weight, do it for yourself and not out of spite. Want to color or cut your hair, do it for yourself and not because the other person liked it or didn’t like it. Want to grow a beard or shave it off, do it for yourself and no other reason.
If you find yourself still struggling or need someone to help you hold yourself accountable, reach out and schedule a time for us to meet and discuss how you will be an even better person after you learn everything you need to learn about this break up and your past relationship. Remember, you either win or you learn. Hopefully it will be both once we meet.
