Whether you are just getting into a relationship or have been in one for twenty years, things change, and “red flags” can appear. The question is what do you consider a red flag and how many reg flags is to many red flags? Are red flags truly deal breakers and what flags you may ignore now, could be the reason for a potential break up down the road. Some red flags may carry more weight in your opinion than others, but in the end, they are all “red flags” and need to be treated as such.
Working with my clients, some of the red flags that seem to come up on a regular occurrence are:
- Your partner always needs validation
- Your partner is easily offended by you
- Your partner used guilt to manipulate you
- Your partner is often negative or emotionally volatile
- Your partner tries to change you
- You feel judged by your partner
- Your partner almost never apologies
- Your partner dismisses your feelings
- Your partner cannot assume responsibility for their mistakes
- Your partner does not respect your personal boundaries
- Your partner is addicted to social media
- Your partner controls all the financial decisions
- Your partner makes all the decisions with limited input from you.
- Your partner is hot and cold. One day they are invested in you and the next day there are no signs of interest
Whether you recognize one of the behaviors listed above or recognize all of them in your partner, they are warning signs of potential problems, indicate unhealthy or manipulative behavior and can become very serious over time to your mental health and wellbeing.
First and foremost, you need to prioritize your safety. Secondly, you can try to speak to your partner about your concerns and observe how they respond. A healthy partner will listen and validate your concerns. An unhealthy partner will become defensive and hostile. Third, remember you cannot control anyone’s actions, so do not try to “fix” them, but you can support their growth. You are not responsible for their change, actions or personal growth. Finally, know your boundaries and what you will allow and what you will not allow. What are your non-negotiables for you.
We all need to remember that no one is perfect, so we are going to potentially see red flags in everyone. As mentioned above, you are the only one that can decide whether you can handle them and live with them or are they going to be problematic for you and the relationship. Identifying your needs and what you want out of the relationship is a great start. Be honest with yourself and with your partner. If the flag is minor, then mention it to your partner and share your perspective on the issue. Make sure the communication is calm, productive and that you are conscious about your partner’s concerns.
In the end, always trust your gut. If something feels wrong, don’t ignore it. Red flags are not necessarily deal breakers, but it can be an opportunity for the person or persons to learn something about themselves, their partners and their relationship. Red flags in a relationship might be scary once you have identified them, but they can also offer more clarity and understanding that can ultimately help the relationship move forward or help you decide that it might be time to walk away.
