Using Sex as a form of punishment is withholding intimacy. It is withholding an opportunity to bond with your partner. Withholding sex is a form of psychological and emotional abuse. It is a manipulative behavior that is unhealthy and that can cause trust issues, intimacy issues and long-term connections within the relationship.
Sex should be an expression of mutual care and connection within the relationship and not used as a bargaining tool. Using it as a tool to control a situation erodes trust and creates long term intimacy issues. A relationship without sex will eventually have communication issues, resentment, intimacy issues and more. Sex is a way to connect and should never be used for punishment or as a threat that if someone doesn’t do something then no sex.
Looking at the other side of it, sex should not be a reward for doing something good. Men (or women) should not be rewarded for doing a specific task or choir. You should never hear “if you do XX, then I will have sex with you.” “I will not have sex with you until you do XX.” These are forms of control and emotional abuse.
Using sex as a bargaining tool will create resentment and potentially shame. Rejecting your partner or withholding can create feelings of guilt and create emotional distance. This behavior will also reduce the desire to want to have sex as it will be viewed as an obligation and will erode emotional safety for the other person. This behavior will also create a power imbalance in the relationship and potentially the loss of masculine energy for one of both of the parties.
We need to remember that a lot of men, there love language and the way they show admiration to their partner is through intimacy and sex. Studies have shown that men who have regular sex with their partner are happier, more satisfied in the relationship, and report having a higher confidence level then men who do not have regular sex. Studies also show that men who have regular sex are in better moods and have a deeper connection with their partners.
Studies also show that men who have sex 2-3x a week have higher testosterone levels then men who don’t. These men also reported having more self esteem and feeling more connection and in love with their partners. The same study reported that men who were deprived of sex reported higher levels of irritability, higher levels of cortisol “stress hormone” and depression.
When men come into the office one of the first things I ask is when was the last time they were intimate with their partner. This is no coincidence that I ask this question as there is a direct link and correlation to higher levels of anxiety, stress and depression in men who are in sexless relationships. Yes, I hear that why I would want to have sex with my man when there is no connection. The cycle is vicious and needs to be broken. More sex leads to more intimacy and happier relationships. Proven fact and bottom line. Sex allows a man to feel powerful, loved and desired. In return, this creates intimacy between the two partners and strengthens the relationship. Men in sexless relationships report feeling distant from their partners. Frequent sex increases dopamine levels and increased oxytocin levels which creates a happier man who will become grateful, more protective and a more masculine and alpha male.
Denial of sex or using it as punishment or a weapon, creates withdrawn and passive aggressive behaviors. Stop playing games. Stop punishing your partner. Stop making sex a chore. More sex will lead to a more intimate relationship, a well-balanced relationship.
Couple who come into the office and report having more sex also report communicating better, have less arguments (or shorter less intense), and wanting to spend more time with their partner. Having sex with your partner creates a stable relationship. Isn’t this the end goal for all relationships? A relationship where the man has the masculine energy and is the protector, while other is allowed to be in the feminine energy. Let’s start having more sex.
Not sure where to start or how to rebuild trust around intimacy, give us a call. We can help restore the connection and help you create a more intimate relationship with more sex. Isn’t that the end goal… MORE S E X!
